Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
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