We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
