Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
