Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
