you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize
