you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
