My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
