Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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