I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
