you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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