Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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