Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Randomize
