I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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