I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
so let's talk penis.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize