just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
