4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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