if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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