It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize