You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
