remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
