I met the friendliest cop last night
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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