I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
