its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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