She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
