Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
