i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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