Moan for me like Helen Keller
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
