It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
