I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
