why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
