I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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