I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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