I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
