Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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