my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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