Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize