it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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