I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
