Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
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