Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
