Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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