The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
