I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
