can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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