Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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