i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize