I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
