I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Randomize
