Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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