Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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