I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
