Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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