I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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