you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
