bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Randomize
