The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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