Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
