Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
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